Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!

When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

For years there's been talk about getting rid of the US penny and they finally did it! Some people are just afraid of change.

I can't even tell you how long I spent at the watch repair shop the other day.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I never said most of the things I said.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.