Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I got 47 happy birthday posts on Facebook and zero actual phone calls. Living the dream.

I don't have a bad memory. I just remember things differently than they happened.

Posting a status so my relatives know I'm alive without having to call them.

I always arrive late to the office but I make up for it by leaving early.

I share my opinions on Facebook because yelling into the void at home doesn't get enough engagement.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

If you can't say something nice, say it on Facebook where no one reads past the headline anyway.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the tables are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I've reached the age where my body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, and possibly cursed.