Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Nap time sounds like a juvenile thing, but as an adult, it sounds like a high-end luxury prize.

One day I am going to make the onions cry.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

My IQ test results came back, and they were negative.

Common sense is like deodorant; the people who need it most never use it.

I changed my bathroom's name to "The Jim" so I can tell everyone I go to the gym every morning.

I get kids confused when I say I am older than the Internet.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell if they are standing.

I just read a list titled "100 Things to Do Before You Die." I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them.